Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

same but as an audience member

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.