Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

My friend is an excellent librarian.

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

Story of my life…..

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?