Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

The big book of baby names but for safe words

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

lost dog

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.