Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

I think this might be relevant today.

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

Seek kebab; not attention

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.