Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Already got one

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt