Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles