Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Please vote for people who are attractive
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
ouch
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
