Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Jesus Christ lmao
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
