@david8hughes

Kicked out of laser-tag for too many melee attacks.

Kicked out of laser-tag for too many melee attacks.

- @david8hughes

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@iwearaonesie

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

@pleatedjeans

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

@beingtheo

This Petraeus scandal is getting real confusing. I hope I didn’t sleep with him.

@KeetPotato

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

@BoogTweets

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

@ericsshadow

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

@IAmKatieOrr

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

@scarebro

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

@Mike_Bianchi

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”