Kicked out of laser-tag for too many melee attacks.

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I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?


The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.


*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.


This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.


[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*


[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”