I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Kicked out of laser-tag for too many melee attacks.
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I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
My husband’s safe word is ‘CRAMP!’
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”