Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

yikes

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

Tastes like chicken.

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

*wraps present*

Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.

[20 minutes later]

Shit.

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.