Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves