kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
You Might Also Like
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan