kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
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My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
hmmm
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die