Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
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Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
💀💀
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.