Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
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Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.