*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
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[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay