Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

ibopfufen

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

there’s music for literally every activity

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

operators are standing by to ignore your call

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.