Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.