*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
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Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”