*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
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Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”