*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
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One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
even bears disappoint their mothers
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.