Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

My typo game is string.

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles