Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

Me driving through Toronto

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

Gas station lines at 2 am:

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

The Sun

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500