Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

Leftovers are for quitters!