Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

So many pants.
So little yoga.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.