*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
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Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]