*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
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I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
🥴😂