Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

The police never think its as funny as you do.

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.