*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
You Might Also Like
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what