Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.