Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

no

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

😂😂

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.