*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
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that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
same but as an audience member
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.