Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

i hate you platonically

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

tag yourself

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…