Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

Seems kinda suspicious

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.