Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

I see your IQ test came back negative

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.

*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*

Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.

Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.

Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.

Me: Leave the military out of this.

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.