Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

Jokes are like sex. It’s all about the buildup and at the end they laugh at you.

*jazz hands*

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

awesome draft from months ago i just found

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper