Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
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Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?