Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Strangers have the best candy.

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.