Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.