Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
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Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Ovenable?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager