Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
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Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Sunday
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.