Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.