Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

The booster protects against what, now?

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count