Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

there’s music for literally every activity

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.