Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

saw this in a dream

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

operators are standing by to ignore your call

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.