Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
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Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”