I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
You Might Also Like
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves