Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

I ate everything, including the H.

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

What

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…