Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.