Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

learning about math 🧐 📝

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief