Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

Yes, this is exactly right

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

everyone: “you changed”

the climate: i know 😞

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit