kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
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“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Strange
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.