Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

ㅤㅤ

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof