KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point