Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge: