Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

😂😂

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.