Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.