Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

Shark week, but for squirrels.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

😂😂

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*