Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
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*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.