[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
KID: are you sure this will work?
ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?
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hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I was at a bar when this sexy lady approached me and whispered, “hey do you wanna get out of here”?
I happily replied yes and stood up, then she took my seat and sat down😑
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Her: “What are we?”
Me: “We aren’t.”
I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”