Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.