Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

🤣🤣

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.