Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
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A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
i did the math
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.