Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful