Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

That eye roll….

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

my friends when i can’t do basic math

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

Terribly Tuesday.

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”