Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
You Might Also Like
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
for all #parents out there
LMAO
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪