Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
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Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Remember folks 😂
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee