Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
🤣
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
