Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
181.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
